Father literally serves as our gateway into this “manmade” world. He provides the foundation and structure which supports the essence of life on this material plane. Father is the living instructional manual and model for survival and success within the cultures and structures of our societies. From the beginning of life, the baby is a part of its mother; the mother-child connection is literally inborn. However, the relationship between father and child must be forged through Dad’s conscious commitment and effort. Dad must conscientiously connect with his children and bring them into his sphere and influence.

Psychologists, beginning with Sigmund Freud, have delineated the stages of human development and healthy outcomes at each stage of growth, over a lifespan. Many modern studies emphasize the necessary difference in parenting roles and styles between men and women, mothers and fathers, which lead to children’s healthy psychological development. Children imprint on their parents, who are their first models of feminine and masculine qualities, characteristics, roles, and behaviours. 

In the first year of a baby’s life, as mother-child attachment is securely established, the father’s primary job is supporting that essential bond by protecting and providing for mother and child’s physical and emotional needs. He is the foundation and safe haven for his loved ones at this tender time and in the family’s life in years to come. So, he earns the titles “ head of the household” or “ man of the house” from these efforts to support mother and child while mother focuses on baby care in the first year of her child’s life. The father-child bond is established initially through the mother in this early stage as the baby learns to trust the new world outside the womb, secure in the mother’s direct, physical presence, and care.

Psychologists, agree that trust or mistrust of the world outside of the womb is established for baby through secure attachment with Mom. The first five to seven years of a child’s life are nurtured primarily in the safety and security of a mother’s influence. Father’s influence becomes essential from age seven to puberty as the child ventures out into the “manmade” world at school and social activities outside the home. At this stage, Dad’s support and encouragement provide the strength and safety net necessary for children to gain confidence in themselves and take initiative in life.

Psychologist Erick Erickson’s well-known research into the Psychosocial Stages of Development corroborates the importance of fathers’ influence over their children especially from age seven to puberty. At this stage of growth, children move out of the primary, personalized home environment and start to develop their individuality and independence outside the family sphere. Industry and competence are the skills to be mastered at this stage of development. Research maintains mothers provide individualized acceptance and nurturing to their children while fathers teach children how to adapt and adhere to social norms, expectations, and requirements in the external world. Fathers prepare their children to successfully navigate the often unrelenting and inflexible societal arena. This difference between female and male parenting roles makes intrinsic sense as father and child are separate beings from the beginning of a child’s life and must forge their own bond with their children, in their own way, separate from the mother.

Father must take the lead in providing the support and skills necessary for traversing through the patriarchal systems prevalent outside the nurturing home environment. Success in school and social activities, interaction with other adults in authority, peers, societal rules, regulations, and expectations is a huge challenge for children beyond the rarefied home environment. At this stage, fathers must take the lead in their children’s education and experience of the world at large. Learning to live in the world, outside the safety and security of the family fold, is an essential survival skill for children. It is also the primary way in which fathers and their children bond.

In light of the plethora of psychological research delineating the importance of both a father’s and mother’s different, but equally vital and significant roles in child-raising, it’s important to appreciate fathers’ specific support of their children. The detrimental effects of fathers’ absence in their children’s lives has also been thoroughly documented. Through the ages, generations of children have grown up without fathers because of long periods of absence due to travel for work, war, divorce, neglect, and abandonment.

Today, at a time in our history when social movements are focusing on highlighting and righting the wrongs of male oppression and abuse in societies, it is more important than ever to honour our fathers. They are the other half of us. Along with our mothers, they gave us the precious gift of life. Despite mistakes and misdemeanors, they may have committed, our success in this man-made world depends on accepting and making peace with our fathers and the masculine principle they demonstrate in our lives. As we accept and appreciate the masculine aspect in us — men or women, we gain our totality of being.  Finally, we need to accept and appreciate the multitude of men in the world who are “good men,” human in their need to belong, love, and be loved.

Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers and their children who need and love them. 

Warm Regards,
Nur Ambreen Ihsanullah